Thank you, thank you. You're too kind. I tell you, I'm really glad to be here tonight.

I'm in a great mood. Did everyone else have a great weekend like I did? I tell you who didn't: Rory McIlroy. Irish golfer Rory McIlroy lost the Masters golf tournament on Sunday. Did you watch that? The loss was disappointing. Rumor has it that afterwards, the disappointed McIlroy got drunk and then got into a fight. So sad. The loss ruined his traditional Irish celebration plan: getting drunk and then getting into a fight. Oh, those Irish!

Did you hear the news that scientists have found the first homosexual caveman? Looks like this is true. You can't make this stuff up. Apparently the scientists could tell he was gay because his cave was incredibly tidy. It's true! So clean.

It seems that Chevrolet has issued a recall for the 2011 model year Chevy Cruze. It turns out that some Cruzes have a problem that causes the steering wheel to fall off. I'm not kidding. This could be really dangerous to people. If they could afford a tank of gas, that is. Seriously, am I right, people? Right?

And how about that toddler who was served alcohol at Applebees? Did you hear about this? True story. A toddler was apparently served margarita mix instead of apple juice in Detroit. The police said that they wouldn't press charges against the restaurant because the restaurant employees had made an honest mistake. Yeah. They said that no one in Detroit would ever really order apple juice. That's Detroit for you!

This sounds like science fiction, but the U.S. Navy reports that they've started using lasers. This is no joke. They are using these lasers to set boats on fire. That's right, the United States Navy: using giant magnifying glasses to set wet things on fire since 2011. Your tax dollars at work, people!

Anyway, we have a great show for you tonight! Stay tuned for more. We'll be right back.

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